Letting go of someone you love…
When my father handed to me the long brown envelope I knew then that it would be the right time. There’s no turning back. My families and friends were right after all. It’s time to move on. It’s time to let go.
I fix my eyes to the beautiful lady in the picture frame. I felt an abrupt aching. I take a deep breath. I close my eyes. And when I opened it, yes, I know, it’s time to let go.
All my life I have been yearning and loving for one woman. Cindy.
I started courting her when we were still in our secondary years. I was on my junior year while Cindy was a sophomore. Even at my young age, it didn’t deter me to consider that my feeling for her was "real love”. But of course, I didn’t forget that my first precedence was my study. But despite those considerations, it didn’t hinder my motivation to show her how I am fond of her and the willingness to show my special passion for her. And I’m really glad to know that it seems the feeling is mutual.
I know it’s not yet the right time to take things seriously. So I respected her decision to enjoy the special bonding and closeness we felt for each other. The chance of getting to know each other. Even without those commitments. And I did promise to her that I am ready and willing to wait until she will finally say her “yes” to me. Until we think that it is the right time.
I really took an effort of winning her. I courted her families and relatives. I befriended all her friends. I did take time to know everything about her. And God knows, I really did my best to prove her that my intentions are authentic and sincere.
Even when we parted ways right after graduation, I never stopped loving her. I took my course in the city while Cindy remains in the province and took her vocational course. I’m taking Bachelor of Science in Marine Transportation (BSMT) .
Despite the distance, I always see to it that she’s always remembered. I never fail to call her. I never fail to send her messages.
Cindy is all that matters that I’ve become the bunch of tease of my classmates and friends. Joking me that I would really missed one half of my life. It’s because I keep myself of joining them in their gimmicks and outings. Every weekend and during no classes, even it cost me too much; I always went home in the province just to be with Cindy. This has become my routine. But it doesn’t matter.
When both of us graduated from our course, I went back to the province and prefer to help the family business. But of course, I know that it was Cindy all along why I choose to come back and turned my back to the great opportunity that has been offered to me. The opportunity to work abroad and to travel around the world. I even forget that, that was a childhood dream. Thank God, my parents and families never fail to show their support to me though I knew that right from the start; it’s their dream also to see me achieve and pursue my dreams.
But it’s been almost seven years now; I never received her “yes”. I’m not blind. And I can really feel it. The feeling is mutual. She also cares for me. She loves me. She doesn’t even have a boyfriend.
But why is it every time I asked her to make our relationship official, she always had her line “Just wait” or “There’s no need to be in a hurry” or “Just take our time”?
Aren’t seven years enough of being friends to budge or go further beyond friendship? What more I need to do? Are all my efforts aren’t enough? How could Cindy tell him that the feeling is mutual when she’s not yet set to give him the words he’d been longing for? Yes, she may loves me the way she used to say but why she makes me felt left hanging and don’t know where to place myself? What’s the real score? Does she really love me?
Or just like what my friends told me, if she really does, then things wouldn’t have to be this way. Loving isn’t bad, I take risk, but I should have known better. I should have known when it still okay or when it is not. I should have known when to stop.
And seeing those long brown envelopes, I knew then that it is the right time to put an end to my attempt. As I packed all my clothes, I can feel the certain weight inside me. It hurts. But my heart says, “I’m tired,”
And when I take a glimpse of Cindy’s portrait, I whisper the most painful word I ever uttered.
“Goodbye Cindy…I couldn’t wait for you anymore…I’m letting you go”
“Goodbye Cindy…Welcome world…Welcome my dreams. Finally…”
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Now That You’re Gone
Happy even if you bleed within…
Maybe that’s what love is all about…
It is not just all about being happy being together, it’s not about yourself, but accepting that, even a person can never be yours, yet seeing them happy with someone they love, no matter how painful it is, you only wish nothing but their happiness…
Loving on the other hand is sacrificing, and being happy, even if it means you’re not part of it…
And…loving sometimes comes too late, too late that you only grasped the worth of someone when they’re already gone and feeling the pain when they were on the other arms.
Ironic but true, you’ll recognize the importance of a thing or person when they’re gone.
It’s an ominous afternoon. She could feel the cold wind embracing her. She could sense it’s going to rain. Mixed emotions filled her at that moment. She found herself sitting in the lobby; it’s still two o’clock then and taking the pleasure while offing for her next subject.
She took the bliss being there as if she’s on her favorite rest, an overlooking picturesque where she could take a better look nearby.
She can’t help but formed a smile on her lips as her eyes meander around.
Public has their own dealing. Students’ walking, shouting, giggling, laughing, and even gossiping, yeah, beside her were two ladies doing the scenario unmindful if somebody’s listening to them. She smiled acridly, people just can’t admit that somebody’s better than them. On the other side, a cute and mushy couple without hesitations shows their affection exchanging words of adores.
And it clout her, throbbing pain crammed her. Many times she witnessed what love can do; it may wane and hurt you in many ways but she can’t blame people still taking risk of loving again, because it’s true after all, love is such the greatest and wonderful feeling.
Heedless, her eyes engrossed with the two approaching pair heading to her direction. God knows how she wanted to disappear at that moment. She’s not yet ready on this. She braces herself. Crying may packed her at that instant but hell, not in front of these people! A certain stab overflowed her.
Unintentionally, her yes fixated on the gesture they showed, his hands proudly hold the lady’s waist, beaming and showing to the whole world a man sign of being in love. How could she be stupid not seeing his value???
She had him before, but she let him slipped away. And just like a common scenario in the movie, instant flashbacks get in the way. She flicker her eyes many times and nibble her lower lip to keep away from crying.
She had him before. How lucky that woman can be, she was given a chance to experienced how being loved by him but she just took it for granted.
She was wooed, she was cosseted, and she’s treated like a princess. She loved him yes, but the feeling of knowing he’s “always there” made her lenient and loosens. He never stops showing. He never stops admiring. He never stops caring. He never stops loving.
He was a best friend who took the risk of letting her know that he loves her ignoring the idea what could be the cost after all. He gambles even knowing that somehow, the price maybe is losing their friendship. She commended his bravery.
And she thought, he’ll never stop loving. She thought. She smiled bitterly. How could she be foolish?
She never had recognized it not until the day, she felt his distant. And she never really felt she was losing him not until taking a spectacle that the man who adored and loved her for many years, the man she realized she love is now on the other woman’s arm.
And the most painful part, is when hearing the words of giving up, the words of revelation, the realization, and the admittance that he is moving on and ready to face life again now that he found his true love and even thanking her for all her rejection.
It hurts. It mars. So deep that she felt like dying.
She managed to smile, as hard as she could, now that they’re coming closer. In many times, she thanked that she mastered her theater class. Acting is not bad after all. Just for a bit.
She winked her eyes again, to keep that tears that started to blur her sight.
And as they came face to face, she could feel another pang of pain, seeing him now an inch closer, with another woman, she could not stop the urge to hug him and drew him closer, just the way it used to be.
He just pays a small exchange of hi’s and hello’s… And why his being casual hurts too much? And it upset her how his hands softly and gently laid on that woman’s’ waist.
A minute of exchange pleasantries had ended. Yeah it’s just a matter of minute but why it seems like a decades?
As they went away, those tears she controlled from falling freely gush from her eyes. The twinge is excruciating. Her eyes followed them, with so much regrets in her heart, realizing that she could be that woman he’s holding if she had not been that silly enough.
As her eyes becomes more misty, no matter what, she still cope as she release a very authentic yet a very bitter smile, deep inside, she’s brave enough to confess that he truly deserves to be happy.
As a friend, a real friend indeed who truly loves him now, could only wish nothing but his happiness even if it thrice hurts inside.
Nah…..who said loving is all about being happy for oneself???
And as she looks up, she notice then it’s raining. She smiled acridly.
She’s crying…It’s raining…
And just like the gloomy weather, the rain, her heart also feels the depressing thought that she can’t have him back, that all she could do is to shed tears and let it go, coz just like the saying goes, there's always a sunshine after the rains.
And nah, she’s hoping it could be too soon…hopefully...
Maybe that’s what love is all about…
It is not just all about being happy being together, it’s not about yourself, but accepting that, even a person can never be yours, yet seeing them happy with someone they love, no matter how painful it is, you only wish nothing but their happiness…
Loving on the other hand is sacrificing, and being happy, even if it means you’re not part of it…
And…loving sometimes comes too late, too late that you only grasped the worth of someone when they’re already gone and feeling the pain when they were on the other arms.
Ironic but true, you’ll recognize the importance of a thing or person when they’re gone.
It’s an ominous afternoon. She could feel the cold wind embracing her. She could sense it’s going to rain. Mixed emotions filled her at that moment. She found herself sitting in the lobby; it’s still two o’clock then and taking the pleasure while offing for her next subject.
She took the bliss being there as if she’s on her favorite rest, an overlooking picturesque where she could take a better look nearby.
She can’t help but formed a smile on her lips as her eyes meander around.
Public has their own dealing. Students’ walking, shouting, giggling, laughing, and even gossiping, yeah, beside her were two ladies doing the scenario unmindful if somebody’s listening to them. She smiled acridly, people just can’t admit that somebody’s better than them. On the other side, a cute and mushy couple without hesitations shows their affection exchanging words of adores.
And it clout her, throbbing pain crammed her. Many times she witnessed what love can do; it may wane and hurt you in many ways but she can’t blame people still taking risk of loving again, because it’s true after all, love is such the greatest and wonderful feeling.
Heedless, her eyes engrossed with the two approaching pair heading to her direction. God knows how she wanted to disappear at that moment. She’s not yet ready on this. She braces herself. Crying may packed her at that instant but hell, not in front of these people! A certain stab overflowed her.
Unintentionally, her yes fixated on the gesture they showed, his hands proudly hold the lady’s waist, beaming and showing to the whole world a man sign of being in love. How could she be stupid not seeing his value???
She had him before, but she let him slipped away. And just like a common scenario in the movie, instant flashbacks get in the way. She flicker her eyes many times and nibble her lower lip to keep away from crying.
She had him before. How lucky that woman can be, she was given a chance to experienced how being loved by him but she just took it for granted.
She was wooed, she was cosseted, and she’s treated like a princess. She loved him yes, but the feeling of knowing he’s “always there” made her lenient and loosens. He never stops showing. He never stops admiring. He never stops caring. He never stops loving.
He was a best friend who took the risk of letting her know that he loves her ignoring the idea what could be the cost after all. He gambles even knowing that somehow, the price maybe is losing their friendship. She commended his bravery.
And she thought, he’ll never stop loving. She thought. She smiled bitterly. How could she be foolish?
She never had recognized it not until the day, she felt his distant. And she never really felt she was losing him not until taking a spectacle that the man who adored and loved her for many years, the man she realized she love is now on the other woman’s arm.
And the most painful part, is when hearing the words of giving up, the words of revelation, the realization, and the admittance that he is moving on and ready to face life again now that he found his true love and even thanking her for all her rejection.
It hurts. It mars. So deep that she felt like dying.
She managed to smile, as hard as she could, now that they’re coming closer. In many times, she thanked that she mastered her theater class. Acting is not bad after all. Just for a bit.
She winked her eyes again, to keep that tears that started to blur her sight.
And as they came face to face, she could feel another pang of pain, seeing him now an inch closer, with another woman, she could not stop the urge to hug him and drew him closer, just the way it used to be.
He just pays a small exchange of hi’s and hello’s… And why his being casual hurts too much? And it upset her how his hands softly and gently laid on that woman’s’ waist.
A minute of exchange pleasantries had ended. Yeah it’s just a matter of minute but why it seems like a decades?
As they went away, those tears she controlled from falling freely gush from her eyes. The twinge is excruciating. Her eyes followed them, with so much regrets in her heart, realizing that she could be that woman he’s holding if she had not been that silly enough.
As her eyes becomes more misty, no matter what, she still cope as she release a very authentic yet a very bitter smile, deep inside, she’s brave enough to confess that he truly deserves to be happy.
As a friend, a real friend indeed who truly loves him now, could only wish nothing but his happiness even if it thrice hurts inside.
Nah…..who said loving is all about being happy for oneself???
And as she looks up, she notice then it’s raining. She smiled acridly.
She’s crying…It’s raining…
And just like the gloomy weather, the rain, her heart also feels the depressing thought that she can’t have him back, that all she could do is to shed tears and let it go, coz just like the saying goes, there's always a sunshine after the rains.
And nah, she’s hoping it could be too soon…hopefully...
How you measure sexiness of a women?
How do you define sexy? Well surely we would say that sexy means curvaceous body,with that perfect vital stat 34-24-36. That's really common and the very first thing that comes in our mind. A voluptuous body, slim waistline,coca cola body and etc. Surely majority of men will also share the same answer.
But should we really look or limit our definition to that? So how about when you're fat,chubby or flab you are not sexy? Honestly everytime that topic raised in the office, especially started by men,that's how they really views sexiness in a woman. Does sexiness really measure in this way?
Me? any size of women could be sexy, regardless of weight I guess it doesn't really matter. As long as you know how to carry yourself properly, fat or slim you could always manage to look sexy in your own way! It is really or on how you carry yourself. It's just a matter of self confidence and believing yourself that you can carry it!(or I am the only one thinking about it?)
But should we really look or limit our definition to that? So how about when you're fat,chubby or flab you are not sexy? Honestly everytime that topic raised in the office, especially started by men,that's how they really views sexiness in a woman. Does sexiness really measure in this way?
Me? any size of women could be sexy, regardless of weight I guess it doesn't really matter. As long as you know how to carry yourself properly, fat or slim you could always manage to look sexy in your own way! It is really or on how you carry yourself. It's just a matter of self confidence and believing yourself that you can carry it!(or I am the only one thinking about it?)
The Truth Behind The Mask
She is happy, full of life, vibrant, very alive… it seems that she really enjoys what life can brings and offers. Which is just right for a 16-year-old girl like her… amidst the fact of the early separation of her parents when she was still four.
True to the word itself, you’ll never knew a person unless you are a given a chance to be their friends or let’s just say, still isn’t enough till you really came close to them.
She’s an avid listener of my program from the golden pot place, and it never crossed to my mind that time will come we’ll both meet in person much more be a part of my life.
Of course I never entertained the idea that she will be coming in Davao City just to see me. I never even believed that she’s very much eager to do that just because since the time she heard my voice in the radio, she then makes me her inspiration. I was deeply touch though I never took her comment seriously but sincerely thanked her. I never knew her story then…
Till then, just last December 2006, I was surprised when I received a text from her saying, “Hi Sweet Barbie girl, am hir n Dvo, bin hir 3 mnths ago, 8 tuk me tym to tel u dt I wz hr bcoz am nt yt rdy to face u my idol, & nw am txtng u 2 lt u knw I wnt us 2 meet”
Geez, she’s really that serious! (Laughs) I thought then she was just bluffing me, how could she be here in Davao when she had her studies to attend to, who was third year high school then.
Though hesitant, I still obliged or do her a favor to meet her. I feel like a very big star or a celebrity when she entertained me with so much fondness and affection. I can see how she gazes me with so much admiration that I felt uncomfortable. (Giggles)
After exchanging pleasantries, we then became friends, she call me Ate and then on she was my regular visitor in the radio station, I can really sense her pride having me, telling her friends as if she only knows no one except me.
That’s really a very touchy gesture. And as days passed by, she confided something that really shocked me. I never think of that way. Coz she doesn’t look the person carrying a very painful experience, the early separation of her parents at the age of four that really turn her life into a mess.
At an early age, she already indulged herself into vices and most of the time spends her life with her barkadas. She pretended she was happy and everything is okay and she is good of doing about it, that I never notice just a bit of hint that she was facing that kind of burden in that early age.
But behind that veneer, I found out how much struggle she went through just to live life normally.
I cried at that moment especially when she mentioned that she found light and hope right from the very start she heard my voice and I can see now the reason why the desire intention to know me and be her friend. My heart moved with pity when I knew her story.
I felt honored when she reveals that I became her inspiration, believing that life is till beautiful. She wants to live new life as long as I am always there for her. Of course, I selflessly offer my hands for her. Giving my advices I know that in a way lessen her saddle in life.
I once judged her on the way she acts, the way she speaks, the way she deal with men at her age, the way she dressed, but felt sorry afterwards, it’s just a front to hide the traumatic experience. And now, she is ready to face the world again, with hope, with me, ready to unmask and live life again.
True to the word itself, you’ll never knew a person unless you are a given a chance to be their friends or let’s just say, still isn’t enough till you really came close to them.
She’s an avid listener of my program from the golden pot place, and it never crossed to my mind that time will come we’ll both meet in person much more be a part of my life.
Of course I never entertained the idea that she will be coming in Davao City just to see me. I never even believed that she’s very much eager to do that just because since the time she heard my voice in the radio, she then makes me her inspiration. I was deeply touch though I never took her comment seriously but sincerely thanked her. I never knew her story then…
Till then, just last December 2006, I was surprised when I received a text from her saying, “Hi Sweet Barbie girl, am hir n Dvo, bin hir 3 mnths ago, 8 tuk me tym to tel u dt I wz hr bcoz am nt yt rdy to face u my idol, & nw am txtng u 2 lt u knw I wnt us 2 meet”
Geez, she’s really that serious! (Laughs) I thought then she was just bluffing me, how could she be here in Davao when she had her studies to attend to, who was third year high school then.
Though hesitant, I still obliged or do her a favor to meet her. I feel like a very big star or a celebrity when she entertained me with so much fondness and affection. I can see how she gazes me with so much admiration that I felt uncomfortable. (Giggles)
After exchanging pleasantries, we then became friends, she call me Ate and then on she was my regular visitor in the radio station, I can really sense her pride having me, telling her friends as if she only knows no one except me.
That’s really a very touchy gesture. And as days passed by, she confided something that really shocked me. I never think of that way. Coz she doesn’t look the person carrying a very painful experience, the early separation of her parents at the age of four that really turn her life into a mess.
At an early age, she already indulged herself into vices and most of the time spends her life with her barkadas. She pretended she was happy and everything is okay and she is good of doing about it, that I never notice just a bit of hint that she was facing that kind of burden in that early age.
But behind that veneer, I found out how much struggle she went through just to live life normally.
I cried at that moment especially when she mentioned that she found light and hope right from the very start she heard my voice and I can see now the reason why the desire intention to know me and be her friend. My heart moved with pity when I knew her story.
I felt honored when she reveals that I became her inspiration, believing that life is till beautiful. She wants to live new life as long as I am always there for her. Of course, I selflessly offer my hands for her. Giving my advices I know that in a way lessen her saddle in life.
I once judged her on the way she acts, the way she speaks, the way she deal with men at her age, the way she dressed, but felt sorry afterwards, it’s just a front to hide the traumatic experience. And now, she is ready to face the world again, with hope, with me, ready to unmask and live life again.
Papa's 50th Birthday-Memoirs
It was a very fine and sunny afternoon while enjoying my catnap in that small cottage. I was having my one-day summer vacation with my family in one of the beautiful beach in the province of Davao del Sur. Despite the very kinda-fire or the heat brought by the sun, it didn’t diminish the happiness I felt being with my family again.
Since I graduated from college and luckily landed a job, I really find a hard time to go home or to the province where the rest of my family lives there. And take note, my mother has been very vocal in her feelings that “nagtatampo na daw sila.”(Laughs)
Though they act that way, I knew very well they really understand the mode of my job. That’s why I always see to it, that I have a constant communication to them. (Geez! Thanks to the inventor/s of cellphones!)
I was fully mesmerized and captivated by the scenes and views of the ocean shores when slowly the built of that handsome man comes to the picture! I can’t help myself but raised my eyebrows as I formed the sweetest smile I ever had. Ah, my male version! Wherein, where ever perspective, people who seen us said you look like him! Definitely, of course, because he is my father!
I was still smiling as my whole attention was in him. Later did I realize one of the reason why we were in that place is we are celebrating his 50th birthday! Yeah 50 and yet still alive and kicking. I can’t help but reminisce the time when we were still together. Throughout my existence, I really adored and admired him. In fact he was my idol. Truth is, I always looked up to him and made him as my guide in choosing a man to be with when the time come I’ll settle for good.
Ever since he is never really that affectionate. I always look him as strict, firm and very disciplinarian. How many times did I remember I cried because he easily gets mad and very hard to please. Emotionless. Many times I wished we could be that close so that I can share with him my thoughts, my feelings and everything that a girl wanted to share as she grown-ups! But I am not given that chance. I get more attached to my mother instead.
But for a revelation, his attitude serves to be my inspiration and guide. The very main reason why I reached my goal and ambitions in life, to what and where I am now. I owe him a lot. His way of raising me helps me a lot to be a directed, disciplined, and responsible person. I really thanked God for giving me such one.
He really is a father in his own way and truly deserves to be commended!
This column is one way of telling him how much he is loved, appreciated and admired and respected. Thank you so much Pa for all the things you have done. Words may not be enough but I want you to know I really really love you and will ever will.
Since I graduated from college and luckily landed a job, I really find a hard time to go home or to the province where the rest of my family lives there. And take note, my mother has been very vocal in her feelings that “nagtatampo na daw sila.”(Laughs)
Though they act that way, I knew very well they really understand the mode of my job. That’s why I always see to it, that I have a constant communication to them. (Geez! Thanks to the inventor/s of cellphones!)
I was fully mesmerized and captivated by the scenes and views of the ocean shores when slowly the built of that handsome man comes to the picture! I can’t help myself but raised my eyebrows as I formed the sweetest smile I ever had. Ah, my male version! Wherein, where ever perspective, people who seen us said you look like him! Definitely, of course, because he is my father!
I was still smiling as my whole attention was in him. Later did I realize one of the reason why we were in that place is we are celebrating his 50th birthday! Yeah 50 and yet still alive and kicking. I can’t help but reminisce the time when we were still together. Throughout my existence, I really adored and admired him. In fact he was my idol. Truth is, I always looked up to him and made him as my guide in choosing a man to be with when the time come I’ll settle for good.
Ever since he is never really that affectionate. I always look him as strict, firm and very disciplinarian. How many times did I remember I cried because he easily gets mad and very hard to please. Emotionless. Many times I wished we could be that close so that I can share with him my thoughts, my feelings and everything that a girl wanted to share as she grown-ups! But I am not given that chance. I get more attached to my mother instead.
But for a revelation, his attitude serves to be my inspiration and guide. The very main reason why I reached my goal and ambitions in life, to what and where I am now. I owe him a lot. His way of raising me helps me a lot to be a directed, disciplined, and responsible person. I really thanked God for giving me such one.
He really is a father in his own way and truly deserves to be commended!
This column is one way of telling him how much he is loved, appreciated and admired and respected. Thank you so much Pa for all the things you have done. Words may not be enough but I want you to know I really really love you and will ever will.
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